It looks like I’m gonna be one of those billion people who talk about love. The thing is that I don’t wanna give advice cause I don’t have the smallest clue of how love should work out properly and in fact I believe there shouldn’t be any. You meet different people, with different characters, with different tastes and you can’t be perfect to all of them, sooner or later we all make mistakes. I heard the most inspiring love quote ever few days ago and it was something like this: ” The one is not the one who loves you the most, it’s the one who gets you better than no one else”. Well…wow. It’s like I found a life buoy in this angry sea of love I’m sinking. I’ve been wondering myself if I ever loved someone as I pretend to believe in those times and honestly I don’t know what I should say but I tend to think that the answer is “No”! I don’t know what love is. I’ve been in love many times but I didn’t actually loved someone and this quote it’s like a definition to my kind of love, a definition that I’ve been searching for a long time, it saved me and gave the answers of some pretty haunting questions.
I’m afraid. I’m so afraid to love. You suffer and you get hurt even if you just like a person, I don’t even wanna imagine how it’s like when you love. I had 2 choices every time, to settle on that “in love” thing or to love someone. Driven by fear I guess I’ve always picked the first option, lying to myself and saying that I do love. I didn’t . Cause now I realized that I didn’t felt understood and this is one of the most important things to me. I didn’t found that perfect balance that I’m searching for in a man. Not yet. It was all just a beautiful experience, like a golden chain on which you hang your pendant as a result of it. Even though I’m a little confused I know I will be able to take a risk and stop fooling myself when it’s about loving my other half, because if it’s really my other half we won’t have to struggle to work things out.
Since I wanna start fresh I want to add something new to this blog. I don’t want just to show my paintings and drawings, I want to put my thoughts not only on canvas but on paper too. I find it fascinating to reveal what’s on your mind to others and see how many share it. I spent a lot of time believing that is better to keep it all for yourself, like you should be able to handle everything in every situation but I was wrong. It’s actually waste of time and mind. Of course you need some alone space from time to time but knowing that there are people who think as you do, releases you and seeing some of them pulling it back together somehow gives you hope and strength.
I’m at the beginning of a new chapter in my life and God I want this to be the best of all. Now it’s the time! Proper age, perfect motivation, many learned lessons, pleasant company, and feeling more alive than ever. But now I wanna do it right! No hurry, no talking without thinking, no more pitting myself.
It’s time to grow up!
You may know me or recognize some of my artworks from my ex-blog S.Laura Artworks. Well I can only say that if life ever thought me something, is that I have to work very hard for every single thing I own. Its like I’m not allowed to “take advantage” of some things, actions that once were made with joy by others for me or even gifts. I feel guilty, I feel like I don’t deserve it . That’s why I started fresh, all by myself. I know I don’t have that much to catch up but still, it’s going to be hard at the beginning. At least I know that I’m going to make it and I’m going to be very proud of myself in the end.
I often used to underestimate myself and I still do from time to time but I realised that I’m not the person who I thought I was. I admit that I have some big selfconfidence issues and beside that I am also very stubborn so if I want to solve my problems properly I have to do it on my own. The truth is that if you really want something you do everything to get it… I guess I wasn’t that motivated ,till now.
We all do that ,we all get thrown down by some unpleasent life events untill we find the right motivation, the force we need to fight and move on with our head up. Funny thing is that my motivation is not about the material things or the compliments I receive.No! I find my motivation in people who think that I cannot do this, people who consider me weak. I’m not weak! I’m like a building under construction, just a few bricks away from everything that I had planned for me.
So , I invite you to watch me bloom!